Peace,Be Still.....

When Harley and I began "trying" to have a baby, it drove me crazy. I simply didn't understand why some people could just "wanted to" and they became pregnant. I struggled through depression and disbelief that I would ever conceive a baby. If you don't already know, Hayden isn't my biological child, and having him only made me want a baby even more. I would cry out to God, proclaim scripture everyday....only to land on my face crying and sobbing that I must not deserve to get pregnant. This was a very painful time for me. I felt like it would never happen. Over all of this time, I would hear this small gentle voice say:

"Peace, Be Still..."

Then one day in April 2007 I took a pregnancy test (for no reason at all). POSITIVE. After all of my negative test, I couldn't possibly believe this was accurate. So, I rushed to the store and bought at least five or more test....(with several in each box) I took them all. Astonished, I sat in my office bathroom, on my knees....crying. My gratitude of thanks to my child's creator could not be expressed through words. I sat silent, crying. I didn't have words to express the joy I felt. I got up, and took my news to Harley. Rachel Maelaine Gambrell was born December 20th 2007 at 3:15pm ...7 lbs 4.3oz, 20inches of the purest love I had ever held in my arms. I don't think til' this day I have matched that joy.

Motherhood means more to me than I could ever express through words. Most of the time when I pray for my children I literally feel pain for them. My heart completely tears when I feel them in pain, or disappointment. When they fall down, fall sick, or simply fall in my arms in laughter my heart nearly crushes with a joyful pain. I love them so much it hurts. =)

Here we are again, four months into "trying" to conceive. I don't know how long it will take me to be blessed again with a baby...but one thing I'm sure of is that it will be in His time, and His time alone. I won't be filled with worry, doubt and anger....I will only..... Be Still.....

For this child I prayed and the Lord has given me which I have asked of Him....

I Samuel 1:27